This weekend has been really bad one...
I have never seen so much people cry together at the same time...
Sat, I rushed back home upon hearing the news that my ah ma had a fall...
When I spoke to cousin over the phone, I still thought that things aint as bad as it sounds.
Cabbed with my mom, an aunt n a cousin over to Gleneagles.
Saw my cousin & his wife standing outside the A&E tearing.
I thought I saw wrongly. Or I was trying to make myself feel better & blocked out the negative thoughts.
Alighted the cab & I picked up a call from another cousin who have reached the hospital.
She started crying & my heart totally sank.
I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to think.
I just want to see my ah ma.
When I saw her, my heart aches.
The trio who went with me just broke down & started calling out to my ah ma.
But not me.
I held my mom back as they want to shift my ah ma into the ward.
My cousin say that I'm very brave as I din shed a single tear at the sight of my ah ma.
No. I'm not brave. I guess I'm just putting on a brave front.
My ah ma...She is already very thin.
And now, the fall had resulted in a black right eye. Bruise on her elbow and she could no longer respond to us normally. She had a big bump at the back of her head, & doc told us that the blood is clotting up in her brain. My heart sank even deeper. I fought back my tears, avoiding the stupid thought. But, I totally lose it when I heard what happen during the journey to the hospital. I duno how to react but just to walk away quickly. Away from all the familiar figures.
Then, my mom blamed me. I noe she don't mean it. I noe she's already feeling very bad about it. My ah ma was still quite conscious when she was otw to hospital. But, when we reached, she already cant react much to our calls. Mom say if she noe i'm gg to be so late, she wouldn't have waited for me & would go to the hospital & perhaps she can catch my ah ma in her conscious state. That sentence is like a sword piercing through my heart. If I noe, I'd have cabbed all the way. I really din mean for these to happen. All these regrets.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Soon, more relatives rushed down to visit my ah ma & we occupied the whole ICU.
Think we stunned alot of ppl with our strength & e way we cried.
Most of the times we were all lost deep in our own thoughts.
What appears before us is the harsh reality and the memories we had with our ah ma.
we may not speak it, but all of us love her. deeply.
Informed my bro to come to the hospital when he was stucked in camp for duty.
Even though I was scolded by my parents for telling him when he is in camp.
I don't care. I don't want to have any more regrets.
Taking the risk, he left camp to see my ah ma.
Ah ma, tt's how impt u are to us.
Decisions were there for us to make. Hard ones...
Finally, it was decided tt ah ma will be transferred to TTSH and most of us shld go back to rest.
I brought my family home and we had our dinner at 10pm.
Wasn't really hungry but I noe we all must eat to keep it gg.
I sorta slapped myself 4x in the bathroom when I let my mind wondered off.
Luckily there wasn't any marks left on my cheeks other than the slightly swollen eyes.
Tried to slp after talking to dear but I realised I cant really sleep.
At last, I dozed off at almost 3 but I woke up before 7.
By a sms. Followed by a phone call.
I never know a call will be that frightening.
Decided to go to TTSH w my auntie & uncle as my parents were out.
Heard sth which is really upsetting but I guess nothing matters to us other than our ah ma.
Reached the hospital & got the latest updates.
Avoided a stroke & organs will be losing their functions slowly.
Yes, we are at the mercy of time now.
tell me how. how is it possible to keep the tears away.
e whole morning was like watching "One Litre of Tears" all over again.
i tried my best not to cry in front of her.
If not, it'll be a silent cry as I don't want her to noe.
I couldnt take it & left the rm to sit alone in the lobby.
little do I noe, I'm not the only one.
we stared at each other blankly and just sat away from each other.
giving each other the space to cool down.
to pick ourselves up again.
To stay strong for her.
but the thoughts just kept my tears flowing...
& i realised i've no way to wipe my tears.
till i felt like my head is gg to explode at anytime.
till i do not have anymore strength to cry.
I'm so weak...
I cant do anything to help her.
I cant relieve her from e pain that she's suffering.
I cant talk to her & pretend tt nothing happens.
I've failed terribly.
Ah Ma, I'm sorry. I've not been a good grandchild to you over the past year. I hate myself for not being there for you...I hate myself for not spending more time with you. Everytime you fall sick, I told myself I'll try to spend more time with you. But everytime after a while, I'll slack off again. I'm sorry. I remember that night when you came over to stay with us. I shared the same bed as you in the room w no fan. I swear, I don't mind your snores and your fidgeting at night. Although I was kept awake the whole night, I'm glad you came over to stay with us. I remember the days when I stayed over with you when I was still a child. How you wake up to make drinks for me...the times I ate breakfast, drank the coffee made by you. You are the reason behind all e coffee addicts in the family. You are the one who's holding onto to the whole family. Although our family isn't perfect, although there are alot of differences in the family, I'm sure we understand and we still love you. You are a wonderful mother, a wonderful grandmother. I know, we might be at the mercy of TIME now but I still hope to hold onto miracle. All of us are waiting for you to eat dumplings with us. Cousins are still trying their very best to get tickets to come back. They are trying and you must try your best too. I know it hurts. Trust me, seeing you in this conditions, it hurts us equally. Let's fight this together k? You are not alone. All of us are with you. Bear this in mind,
Nothing else but you matter now to all of us. We love you so much.
